December 08, 2006

Doubts, sinking in from all around
And I don't know how to be anything but myself
I don't even know how to be that to be honest
I want to stop freaking out about consequences
The kind where I worry about everyone I'm going to hurt
The kind that have me doing what I find best for everyone but me
But it's never clear what's best for me...so I'll never know
Do I take this road...or that one?

Written November 19, 2006

I want to be everything.
I want to be the one with all the answers.
I want to be the one who can take care of anyone, any time, no exceptions.
I want to do whatever it takes to be the one.
I want to be strong.

I don't feel like I'm any of the above.

Written November 15, 2006

Your hair is still everywhere
From those days spent in the sheets
(And the ones spent on them)
If your love is my drug
Then your sex is my much wanted overdose

The things I would do if you were here
Tear those clothes from your beautiful body
(They're over-rated)
Cover every inch of you with kisses too numerous to count
Before I cover you with my own flesh

All the sounds that slip from your lips to my ears
They tease me on and on to please
I wish my lips could be everywhere at once
So I could always have my eyes on yours
The intensity, oh what it does to me

I'd have you anywhere I could
No time would be wasted with you near me
This time apart makes my once great need unbearable
Our times together blend and play in my head
Torturing me, leaving me yearning for your touch

I long to reacquaint our bodies
To get to know every smooth curve, every line, every soft surface
All over again
It's been too long my love
Won't you please come home...

Written November 8, 2006

I remember the first kiss,
The anticipation,
The taste of your hot breath
...your soft lips.

In the park in the dark...we shared a secret.
That fence, your face, you command me.

Waking you with a kiss,
A kiss met with a smile I'll never forget.

My skin, my lips, my fingertips...
...Miss your skin...your lips...your fingertips.

That last night we slept with the light on,
I wanted you to be my first sight.

You're the voice in my head,
You're the love in my heart,
You're the love of my life.

You melt me still from thousands of miles away.
I'm going to find a way through this distance,
Nothing but the thought of you is keeping me clear.
Thank you.

Written October 24 - November 5, 2006

I'm outside Baby, watching you
Depending on your memory to get me through.

These cigarettes I smoke are no need of mine
I just feel a connection with you, they bring me closer every time.

With you I'm content yet restless to fit everything and every word in.
I long for the day when we don't have to say "good-bye" and our life together can truly begin.

Hearing the rain fall, feeling the drops, it magnifies this pain,
'Cause living without you girl, is making me insane.

I can barely remember when living was just living and survival didn't depend on you.
It's your sweet voice and love urging me on, without them I'd never make it through.

I miss you in my arms where I felt I could keep you warm and safe forever.
But the dirt we took changed it all, just know that I'm still yours here and now, come what may, always, and wherever.

The time we had was never our's but we took it and spent it well.
I wish I had you here to hold tight and kiss 'cause without you Baby, even heaven is hell.

I love you.

You make me nervous
No, I don't trust myself without you
You can't trust what your heart tells you
You want to ignore what your brain warns against

And you wouldn't even think to question me
But I put that doubt in your head so long ago
With midnight tales of how my life went wrong

I'll be the greatest disappointment you've ever had
I can't have you expecting the best from me
Because I can't deliver, I'll not live up to higher standards

Too many years of conditioning
Too many attempts to fall off that pedestal

I am what I do, what I say, and what I feel
He argued against it so I had to prove him wrong

I've perfected the ability to do the wrong thing
Oh I'm the cleverest girl, I know
I must prove to you that all I know to do is disappoint
It's not a way to live, I know
It's not fair to anyone but I suppose I'm just selfish that way
Forgive me if you can but it's the only way I know to live

It should be so easy to quit just for you
All the things I need to survive should take a backseat
There was a time I thought I'd never have what those songs are all about
You should be enough for me, you could be the best thing
But I'll be the worst mistake you ever made

I go where the comfort takes me
It used to be your arms
But you're so far away
Waved good-bye and left me here
I know it's not fair, and I never intend to blame you

Now I find solace in places that aren't here
In places where I can't think too hard
Where missing you can't trap me
Where I can unwind just a little bit
Just let the knots I've been tying fray and fall away
It (she) helps me, you know
Fills the spot where you left a hole
It's (she's) no replacement, it's (she's) no you
But damn it, it (she) holds me tight

I thought we'd never part
You were going to be my fresh start
Opened my eyes and made me more true to myself than I've ever known I could be
You were the only thing I required, but
I put my life's happiness on your shoulders
I depended on you to keep me happy and sane, when that was never your job
It should be so easy to stand on my own
But here I stand, wishing I could hide in my own shadow

I fell apart, crushed and crumbled to my knees
I'm stronger when I'm weak
The unsatisfying familiarity
This darkness is what I know, sadly, it's home

For Someone

Written September 11, 2006

My hands are tied
Void of the ability to fix what is broken in you.
I know the pain, it's all too familiar
I'd hoped one day we could mend one another

You know what's within you
I wonder if it's within us all.
Would you acknowledge the strength you possess,
The one you never mention, but shy from when I point it out?

I'm convinced we can't help ourselves
But I know I'd do what it takes to help you.
You're a prisoner in a cage built by you,
Built by everything that haunts you,
Built by everything and nothing that you let in.

I barely know what consumes you.
You show me what you can,
What you're not afraid to show me.
I take what I can get but I'd rather have it all.

I'm here for you,
I'll listen unwaveringly.
If I've ever made you doubt the sincerity of these things,
I'm deeply sorry.

Written September 4, 2006

I want to stand between you and harm
Hold you behind me, our hands locked in a sacred embrace
I stand tall, taller than you but no braver
Your every breath matters to me
Each beat of your heart

You don't deserve the brunt of the blows
You deserve none of this
All we ever did was exist

I'd fight time if I could to hold you here
I want seconds to fade away
Minutes to forget they exist
Hours to disappear
Days to become endless
Weeks to stroll along as if they don't matter
Months to creep along
Years to become lifetimes

I want the dirt to wash away, no matter what,
I'm keeping what I love
Cause nothing's going to change my world

Written June 26, 2006

I can't do this.
I can't be awake, not awake and alone.
I can't be here without someone to catch me when I fall.

I need to be treated tenderly.
I need to be held just to know someone's there.

Written May 31, 2006

I give up on the dog.
He's not mine,
Not yours, mine...ours.
I'm not something familiar and missed,
I'm something new and terrifying,
Something to scare the piss out of him.

The reunion wasn't sweet and breathless,
Just frustration and a mess.
He wouldn't even look at me,
Too scared of the stranger who knew his name.
The treats were unrewarding,
My soft voice unable to soothe or control.
He just sat there full of fear
And I full of confirmation that it's over.

I'd hoped he'd help me
Slow the spiral of change,
Remind me of the importance.

Written May 21, 2006

Here with me pressed against your chest
Breathing in, breathing out
A heartbeat to set the pace

Gently run your hands across my face
Cast the spell that calms and soothes

Every curve I fit
A mold that holds me safely in place

Tender sighs let me know I'm alive
Surrender to something deep and renewing

All the world, it fades away
All the haunts from my day
Hold me close and I will know
You are my home
I am home

Written around May 8, 2006

My alibi is clear, my mind is not.
I've been here with the pill,
Writhing on the floor,
Broken to the core,
Shaking with uncertainty.

Time is short, the pain it fits.
I'm flirting with the edge,
What I get may be more than I bargained for.
Darkened skies and dampened eyes,
I'm wearing this disguise.
Convinced nothing else will work.

I'll be the one to die tonight,
Just relax and let yourself breathe.
My emotions will amplify,
This high spawns from my own disease.
It's all been torn apart and discarded,
You will have your time to grieve.

The pieces of this broken night
Remind me when I cry
That the time I had, the love you felt,
Was always a lie.

Your words, well meant,
Are wasted in this argument.

Run away but never leave.

Written January 1 & 10, 2006

Tell me what to do, I’m not listening
You’re still here, pointing that finger
As if you’re any better

Another swallow and you’re no threat
All you have are words and fists you’ll never use
I provoke but you stand weak and unfailing, undaunting

I can’t be free with this
Screaming at you to tear me down
If you had a voice louder than mine would you use it?
I want you to see these tears
To be able to force the feeling out of you.

Is there anything that could coax your rage?
Bring it forward, I yearn to feel your hate
You can’t prove me a fool if you won’t use it
I think you a coward standing teary eyed
You’re eyes piercing holes through me

Here I am, shouting at you
Run away from me, I’ll follow
SAY it
Scream at me, hit me – I want to feel it!