For Someone

Written September 11, 2006

My hands are tied
Void of the ability to fix what is broken in you.
I know the pain, it's all too familiar
I'd hoped one day we could mend one another

You know what's within you
I wonder if it's within us all.
Would you acknowledge the strength you possess,
The one you never mention, but shy from when I point it out?

I'm convinced we can't help ourselves
But I know I'd do what it takes to help you.
You're a prisoner in a cage built by you,
Built by everything that haunts you,
Built by everything and nothing that you let in.

I barely know what consumes you.
You show me what you can,
What you're not afraid to show me.
I take what I can get but I'd rather have it all.

I'm here for you,
I'll listen unwaveringly.
If I've ever made you doubt the sincerity of these things,
I'm deeply sorry.

Written September 4, 2006

I want to stand between you and harm
Hold you behind me, our hands locked in a sacred embrace
I stand tall, taller than you but no braver
Your every breath matters to me
Each beat of your heart

You don't deserve the brunt of the blows
You deserve none of this
All we ever did was exist

I'd fight time if I could to hold you here
I want seconds to fade away
Minutes to forget they exist
Hours to disappear
Days to become endless
Weeks to stroll along as if they don't matter
Months to creep along
Years to become lifetimes

I want the dirt to wash away, no matter what,
I'm keeping what I love
Cause nothing's going to change my world

Written June 26, 2006

I can't do this.
I can't be awake, not awake and alone.
I can't be here without someone to catch me when I fall.

I need to be treated tenderly.
I need to be held just to know someone's there.

Written May 31, 2006

I give up on the dog.
He's not mine,
Not yours, mine...ours.
I'm not something familiar and missed,
I'm something new and terrifying,
Something to scare the piss out of him.

The reunion wasn't sweet and breathless,
Just frustration and a mess.
He wouldn't even look at me,
Too scared of the stranger who knew his name.
The treats were unrewarding,
My soft voice unable to soothe or control.
He just sat there full of fear
And I full of confirmation that it's over.

I'd hoped he'd help me
Slow the spiral of change,
Remind me of the importance.

Written May 21, 2006

Here with me pressed against your chest
Breathing in, breathing out
A heartbeat to set the pace

Gently run your hands across my face
Cast the spell that calms and soothes

Every curve I fit
A mold that holds me safely in place

Tender sighs let me know I'm alive
Surrender to something deep and renewing

All the world, it fades away
All the haunts from my day
Hold me close and I will know
You are my home
I am home

Written around May 8, 2006

My alibi is clear, my mind is not.
I've been here with the pill,
Writhing on the floor,
Broken to the core,
Shaking with uncertainty.

Time is short, the pain it fits.
I'm flirting with the edge,
What I get may be more than I bargained for.
Darkened skies and dampened eyes,
I'm wearing this disguise.
Convinced nothing else will work.

I'll be the one to die tonight,
Just relax and let yourself breathe.
My emotions will amplify,
This high spawns from my own disease.
It's all been torn apart and discarded,
You will have your time to grieve.

The pieces of this broken night
Remind me when I cry
That the time I had, the love you felt,
Was always a lie.

Your words, well meant,
Are wasted in this argument.

Run away but never leave.

Written January 1 & 10, 2006

Tell me what to do, I’m not listening
You’re still here, pointing that finger
As if you’re any better

Another swallow and you’re no threat
All you have are words and fists you’ll never use
I provoke but you stand weak and unfailing, undaunting

I can’t be free with this
Screaming at you to tear me down
If you had a voice louder than mine would you use it?
I want you to see these tears
To be able to force the feeling out of you.

Is there anything that could coax your rage?
Bring it forward, I yearn to feel your hate
You can’t prove me a fool if you won’t use it
I think you a coward standing teary eyed
You’re eyes piercing holes through me

Here I am, shouting at you
Run away from me, I’ll follow
SAY it
Scream at me, hit me – I want to feel it!

Written February 9, 2006

Ordinary moments and mundane tasks filling my days,
Nothing compared to those from the life I once lived.
A brief flash -
There I am, trapped in the past,
In moments I never knew I'd miss.

One change was all it took to leave me with nothing familiar.

There's a stubborn reality at my back,
Breathing down my neck,
Demanding attention and complience.

It's a time worn, tear stained existence.

All thoughts of moving forward are cast aside
By the undeniable truth that every start has an end;
The future will become the past.

I remember when living was as simple as breathing,
Now refusing the next breath seems easier.

Written January 20, 2006

I can’t sleep,
Sing me a lie.
Waking dreams -
I walk through empty handed.
Burdens that aren’t my own;
They own me.
Decaying witness,
Show me a reason,
Give me an answer;
Spare me the breath.

Written December 31, 2005/January 2, 2006
(I'm not sure how I feel about this one, rhyming so doesn't feel like my thing. It's been awhile since I've been hit with the urge to write and the first few lines just jumped into my head and I had to frantically grab my notebook and scribble them out.)

I'm passing out,
You're holding me close,
I love your soft embrace.

You hold me safe within your arms,
I cuddle close,
Never leave my side.

These days I'm tired of it all,
But you are my rock,
The one who picks me up when I fall.

I don't know how to thank you,
Love is all I have -
Stubborn and unrelenting.

Written December 20, 2005

The things I want you could never give-
Rebuild me.

Give me a brain with all the answers
So that I might help anyone and everyone
And not feel the fool.

Give me a heart unbreakable
But ever loving, the blind love that feels no pain,
No guilt, no loss.

Give me the body to encompass a rich soul,
A beauty pleasing to myself,
Accompanied by the ability to love myself for who I am.

I want to know no hurt
And be unable to hurt others.

You can't give me this, no one can.
Sad truths, staring me in the face.
Reality has the last laugh.

Written December 4, 2005
This was just written in the pain of the moment, right here on this blog (my regular blog).

I need someone, I need someone now.
But that's the wrong kind of thinking, I shouldn't need anyone but me,
Right now I'm not the safest company for myself.

I pick up the phone but there's no one to call.
Tears are coming but I'm going to force them back.
Everyone has got their own life and their own things to deal with.

I sit here miles away from being okay,
Shrouding myself in a fake reality to numb the pain,
To focus everything elsewhere; escapism.

My chest aches but I won't let the tears come.
This will make me stronger, but in what sense?
I feel as though I'm always going to feel lonely,
No one is around long enough to quench this need,
But I shouldn't be dependent on anyone but myself.

I'm sick of lonely feelings, sick of hopelessness,
Is there no one who can help me heal?

Wrote this along time ago, well months ago. It was three separate pieces, I just joined 'em together and tweaked things a bit. So, here it is, fits me for the moment, one of those wonderful moods (yes, that's sarcasm).

Written October 28 & November 1, 2005

Hiding in the familiar,
Cloaked in what I know.
It's not freedom,
I'm not any more liberated than before.

I'm hiding myself in what I think to be safe,
Crippling myself by remaining stagnant.
Too scared to branch out and open up; let go.

All I care about is acting out this aggression,
Claw at these walls I've built,
Break the windows that allow all to see into me
And pierce myself with the shards.

I desire to bleed myself free,
Expose this power deep within; flowing under this skin.
My heart feels too much I want to kill it; it's killing me.

Written December 3, 2005

He vowed to stay true, but didn't keep his word
Yet I'm the one who's hurt you the most?
I'm torn between saying 'fuck you' and continuing to beg for forgiveness
My intentions, as selfish as they appear, were not to hurt you
You think me unpained when all I have are unhealing wounds

While it was the most needed, it was the hardest decision
Perhaps it was selfish, but unintentionally so
I kill myself repeatedly thinking of the ones I hurt, especially you

Forgive me for not knowing how to balance everything yet
It's all new footing for me now that I've removed my supports
I lost sleep, shed tears...my penance is on going
Apologies don't seem enough any longer
You still find it too hard to forgive me, but that's my own doing

It's my own fault it got too big for me
I should have endured, shown perseverance
Leaving you was always the thought that made walking away seem impossible
Drawing away from you was the only way I could make it a possible reality
My sincere apologies, you were the one and only person I would have never hurt
I failed you
As a friend, as anything, I failed

For Her, anyone else who needs it can have it, but I made it for Her

Written November 5, 2005

I care about you
This world needs you
I need you, They need you,
He needs you most, though his words are few

We're all blind to our qualities; the good and the bad
That's why you have friends to point them out
And you do have friends, ones who truly care
Ignore the leeches, you can do without

The only life in your hands is your own; your responsibility
However, the love in your hands and in your heart, is not
You are not allowed to refuse love or deny the existence of love for you
No doubt you've been treated unkind, been the doting friend ultimately betrayed
There are few worthy of the place in our lives labeled 'Friends'
Trial and error, and commonly trust are what place us there indefinitely

I had no words to put forth my feelings,
You opened me back up, helped me know I had wings with which to fly
I had no hope left in me for this life,
You forced me to see with calloused but open eyes
I have no way of knowing whether I've come close to doing the same for you,
It's only my hope, my want, my will that it is so
You deserve to be loved and to be treated as one who is loved
I WANT with every fiber of my being, with every ache in my soul,
For you to see this love, to accept this love, to know this love, and to know it's all for you

These are just words however, though not meaningless
At present they are the only voice I have,
The only way to reach you
I give a fuck, you can't stop that, though I know you wouldn't try to
Take care, be well, you are adored.

An addition: It's not truth, it's fictional. I just felt this way.

Written November 1, 2005

The truth as I know it to be is that I'm the liar,
I manipulated the situation, every part.
At any time, if I'd wanted,
If I'd not been so afraid of the outside world,
I could have walked away.
The only reason I got out was because my world was falling apart.
Making everyone happy was all I had to do to make it all work out.
Stay away from me, it'd be the smart thing to do.
I did it, caused all the hurt in the end,
Just used you up and walked away,
I had to be the one to do the hurting before you had the chance to do it to me.
A product of my past, their decisions, and my decisions.
I can't even act like a decent human being,
It's even possible that this is all an act,
May always have been.
How much of this is truth?
I'm afraid of it all, afraid of what I did, what I can do, what I will do.
I make myself sick - stay away, I don't want to hurt you too.
What have I done?

Written October 31, 2005

Drastic dances and lost second chances
One last kiss, a shaking head, a sigh
No lullaby for me
You're walking away, I know you won't turn back
Slipping away, grasping silence
Empty rooms reverberate feelings
My heart mimics your fallen footsteps
I'm at a loss; don't know how to feel
I know there isn't really anything left to say
Now there's only one, me, and I'm not even whole
I got lost and no importance was placed on making me found
Tip and spill, pour out the sun
Pass it around, let this day be done
I never really cared what I came to be
I was just along for the sick and twisted ride
Heartfelt sins and delicious lies
I hate goodbyes, they can't be undone
Brisk needs fall into slow giving hands
Please remind me of the point
The light can't blind, I turned away long ago
I don't think it's possible to begin from the end

Written October 28, 2005

I want you to find this apology; take it to heart
Think of it as my dying wish
Its last beats a lament of my lost soul
A perfect child I never was
I wish I could have felt as though that were acceptable

The luster has gone out of this precious gift

Trapped memories in faded photographs serve only as
Reminders of lost moments, forgotten joys
Your eyes were once so full of youthful pride and overflowed with love
Growing older has left me with none of that to hold

Somewhere everything went awry
Reality knocked on the door and stole the show
Your approval could no longer be gained
Nothing I did was right anymore
Like a child I was constantly left standing as you walked away

Disappointment and pain were never my intentions
My attempts fell short and scattered
I serve only as a pathetic reminder of a failure you created
I’m sorry I couldn’t try hard enough

I miss the light in your eyes, the one only I could coax
All the wrongs I couldn’t make right caused it to dim and die
No blame will I place on you, I’ve put you through too much as it is
A few moments more, that’s all I need

This blood coursing through my veins was a gift from you
A gift I shamefully return
My tears fall and flow, soiling the crimson pools at my side
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more
Another wrong…
Another pathetic attempt...
I love you...
Love me...
Forget me…
Please, forgive me...

Written October 18 & 25, 2005

I'm not there for you anymore, was I ever?
I'm a shadow of doubt
You're doing everything on your own now
There is no making good on something that we didn't do

I've loved you all these years
You were the one I wanted to protect
But I only succeeded in hurting you deeper
And pushing you away further

I wasn't the rock that stood firm
I was the pebble that rippled the pond,
The boulder that made the waves
You carry on while I can't let go of the guilt

Every time I drive away it kills me
Like I'm abandoning you
I want to turn the car around to make sure you're okay
I don't want to keep leaving you

--------------------------------------

Written October 18 & 25, 2005

Forgive me Father of all my sins
This is the worst place I've ever been
My flesh is unclean, my heart impure
It's all going to waste

This body houses a weak soul
And the blood in these veins flows thin
Coursing with hate
And I hate because I am what I hate
Running blind, feeling desperate
An unkempt love
A careless child

As our Father who loves all,
You stole from me
Broke my innocent heart
Drained my life's happiness

I forwent an ease into the unfamiliar
No blinders to hide behind
My life was no longer in order
Misery and desperation
Overtook love and youth
To fill and burst my tiny heart

You gave me no hand to hold,
No comfort, only pain
Robbed me blind and left my faith
Dangling on a frayed and unholy thread
A relationship unfounded, ungrounded
Unconditional love met with a child's hate

I want to turn my back, but I know I need you there
I hate while you love
Walk with me silently, there to guide me
I'll return to your grace one day

Tonight, this morning (October 18th), whichever, has not been good. Productive, possibly, painful and tearful, extremely. Out of the blue everything came to me, realizations and memories, just bombarding. Dismantling me, disarming me.

Written October 18, 2005

Every tear that falls is another breath she loses,
Every beat of her heart is bringing her closer to the last.
Where do all the memories go, because I’m not ready for the end.
She’s all alone, and she’s not even all there
We’ve been losing pieces of her for years now
And she’s losing herself, her dignity, her pride
A woman once so rock solid
A pillar of insurmountable strength and wisdom
She’s withering away in tired, distorted skin
At times praying for the end
I can’t get over my fear; can’t, won’t
When she’s gone this rotting family will fall apart
She’s the last piece of thread holding these frayed edges together
I avoid her, avoid the death that looms
Like a child she begs me to be the one
I look away in shame; it’s hard enough seeing her so broken
I can’t do it day by day, no matter the pay
If I were unselfish I’d do it for free
But if I were unselfish I’d do it in a heartbeat
These new visions of her cloud the better moments,
The pure memories when she once shined so bright
Even her smile is gone, now it’s so crooked and frightening
They tell her what to do now and she is resented
Perhaps to cover their fear of losing her too
We just leave her there, lonely
Watching the time pass
Papa, I don’t want her to die alone
Papa, forgive me for abandoning her
Papa, I beg, please be with her
Guide her safely

Written October 17, 2005

Left alone lost and lonely
Feeling sorry, I cry
I want someone to hold me
I feel like I might die
Left to my own devices again
I keep knocking, but I’m not being let in

I think too much
Open up, let my problems thrive and eat me up
And I drink too much, pour another round
Watch as I beat me up
I can’t hold on
The pain is quicker before the dawn

Surrounded by a deafening silence
It’s all some sort of penance
I’m fighting a losing battle
Trying to kill my memories
Sinking slowly and fading away
Into the din of my restless thoughts
I’m learning more on my own than could possibly be taught

I think too much
Open up, let my problems thrive and eat me up
And I drink too much, pour another round
Watch as I beat me up
I can’t hold on
The pain is quicker before the dawn

My pen and this page are my companions
These songs I sing help me to breathe
The road is rough when you’re your own savior
And you’re left with time to grieve

-------------------------------------------

Okay, so I know the words are going to wrap (which is annoying as all hell) but I hope it won't detract or confuse readers. This was quite possibly one of the most difficult things I've written and I'm not even sure why. I always want my stuff to be great, but this, it had to be perfect. It took me what seems like hours, but was probably only one and near the end of it, I was shaking.

We pick and tear everything apart
All to find the juicy details
Pull them out and put them on display just like ugly entrails
We embellish the plot, spin it all around and watch it go
Feed everyone’s desire to be in the know

It doesn’t matter what’s truth or not
Doesn’t matter who gets hurt, what pain is brought
Build it up and tear them down
Whatever livens up this boring old town

Did you hear about so-and-so,
What they’ve kept hid so well for all these years?
Run and spread the gossipy news, it’s music to these nosey ears
Tongues move quick like slicing blades while the unwilling ‘victim’ is left to bleed
All traces of our conscience and compassion slowly begin to recede

It doesn’t matter what’s truth or not
Doesn’t matter who gets hurt, what pain is brought
Build it up and tear them down
Dance around like an entertaining clown

Badger the ‘witness’ to learn every detail
We’ll turn the truth into something more
These words spread like disease or some sort of lore
Watch as we send the ‘victim’ running in shame
While unknowingly we teach them the meaning of disdain

It doesn’t matter what we caused
Doesn’t matter, we broke no laws
It made us feel good inside
Having brought some drama to our mundane lives

In our hands we sift and meld all the secrets that once were held
With our words we cause much strife
Never worrying if we ruin someone’s life
We worry not about who we hurt; have no conscience about spreading someone’s dirt
As cowards we hide behind our pointed fingers
While in our wake pain and suffering lingers

Written October 15, 2005

You cheat at this game
But it’s my fault for playing along
I should have known better when you hold all the cards
You forget what secrets I hold, but I refuse to play that way anymore
I was stupid to think you’d hold true to your word
When I burnt you it wasn’t to scorn, it was to protect – and not myself
There’s no way to force you to see
Make an ass of yourself, truth shall prevail


I want to get into an already lost fist fight with you,
Just to say I hit you, if only once
To have the pain of hitting you square in the face aching in my knuckles
It’s pointless, I know, but I can dream


You can’t cut me away like dead skin
If you believe everything you hear than you’ve fucked yourself
You’ll get trapped in that spiral and sucked down
I’m not going to bother trying to save you
My words seem to mean nothing to you, perhaps all you see is more lies
No matter what I admit to, no matter the times I apologize, that’s all you’ll ever see
You won’t stop kicking me while I’m down
Even after you apologize you manage to turn your back, again


Rant like an evil tyrant, you’re getting on my nerves
Your voice fills me with an unbearable amount of anger, but I suppress
Strip me of everything I know, I’ll still be here, no matter how broken
Eat your words; I’m not hearing them anymore
This wasn't how I foresaw it, not this much pain
You wanted to end it, I await the day

Written October 11, 2005

You need no introduction for you are the terror behind her eyes
You feel nothing and revel in deceitful lies

To onlookers this mess is nothing but a broken child
Who withered away full of unimaginable denial

Though try as she might there was no hope within
For reaching out was unheard of; a sin

To escape the nightmarish realities, she hid deep inside
Full of foolishness and unable to let go, she clung to her pride

Too weak to withstand she slowly drowned in her sorrow
That girl of yesterday is this woman of tomorrow.

Written October 2 & 13, 2005

I feel so far away from where I belong
It's raining and I'm alone
If only someone felt what I do now

The reflection of my angry eyes
Reminds me of who I am
Nothing true to you
But every part longing to be true to me

I can no longer stop my tongue to spare you,
Will no longer hide
I suppressed too much of myself
All to wrap you up in a lie

If these words weren't meant to be said
Then I wouldn't have them on my mind
It's doubtful that they hurt you more to hear
Than they kill me to say

Our time together has come to an end
Let these words make it final
I can't bring you peace
And I will no longer be your drug

Written October 9 & 11, 2005
(for someone very important to me)

Whimsical genius
Could you be more enchanting?

You get into our heads
And dance your way to our hearts
While the Monster within brings us to happy tears

You strive for beauty that you already possess
And coax a smile in the strangest of ways

Inhibitions are stripped and thrown out the window
All because it tickles your fancy

To be happy no matter what is your creed,
An enviable goal which you seem to easily reach
In turn, I hate seeing a frown on your face; it never fits

No matter the insults you throw at yourself, we see you clearly
All who know you as we do are blessed,
Those who donÂ’t will never understand such entertaining beauty
(can I be your F.I.L.F.?)

-Love you my Kenzie

-----------------------------------------

Written June 19, 2003/January 27 & October 11, 2005
To my baby brother who's all growed up now :(

You come to me in need
Desperate for comfort
I would stop the world for you,
Listen as long as you need

But when you dump me,
Just leave me behind
All for a new comfort
I feel left out and unwanted - thrown away
But I guess turnabout is fair play

I regret the past,
For overlooking you
Finally realizing how important you are to me
Too little, too late is my fear

You grew up while I was too busy
I cling to every moment you need me,
To every moment you want to spend with me

Why I ever pushed you away can only be explained as 'what kids do'
You are a rock to me, without you knowing it;
A hero

Baby brother, you've come a long way
You're setting your own course
Full of strength and knowledge; I'm so proud

Together we weathered storms

Our bond is forever, no matter how far apart
It's one of strength, love, and friendship

You're in my heart forever, I love you

Written October 9, 2005

I want to be the shoulder you cry on
Hold you in a warm embrace
I want to prove to you there are people who won't abandon
That dark pasts can be escaped
Give it time, give me time

I won't allow you to scare me away
You could kick and scream and shove
I'll only come back for more
Hurt my pride, I'll stand strong

You deserve to say your fill
And show what you feel
You stood strong for me, I want to do the same for you
It's give and take

Cry your tears
Spill your fears
I'll be unwavering

Give me your anger
Your hate
Anything to set you free
Let me be there for you, that's all I'm asking

Written October 8, 2005

Striving hard for approval is my meaning
Pacing, I wait for confirmation
I don't exist without your acceptance
With each step I falter
Tripping on my insecurities
Falling into my humiliation

Your expectations demand too much
Each disapproving glare cuts deep inside me
Bleed my hopes and dreams from me
I can't see clearly through this fog of requirement
You leave me with no room to grow
I long to be told that my best, my all, is enough

Each good deed goes unappreciated
While each failure is picked apart and thrown in my face
My longing to be good enough, to please you, shouldn't exist
It wears on me, spreads me thin
Freedom from your boundaries is what I need to survive

----------------------------------------

Darkness all around
Comfort and warmth caress me gently
You reach for me with fingertips full of longing and aching desire
Slow and beautiful trespass

Warm lips dancing across my yearning skin
Put your lips to mine
I'll show you I'm ready

I want you to be a part of me
Feel you inside me
Build me up for a sweet release

Move with ease
Not eager for an end
Sweet dance caress me within

Nothing exists but the two of us
No thoughts only movement
Pure and natural
Desires of the flesh
Take from me what you will give in return

This is all I want to know
All that I live for
Pull me close
Sweet loving release
Our gift to each other
Beautiful and complete

------------------------------------

I'm going crazy right now
Let me out of this skin
I feel like I'm dying inside but I don't know how to say it
All of my thoughts are moving too fast; they've blended
I can't stand the sound of my own trite voice
My problems seem to be eating me alive
I half-heartedly claw my way back up
But I'm so willing to fall back down
Back into familiarity and self-defeat
I don't want my miniscule burdens to control me
It feels as though there is no light bright enough to shine through this darkness in me
No breath of fresh air to revive my seeping soul
I'm sucking the life out of myself searching for a safe place to within
A place to hide
Maybe if I find the place that hurts
I can hold it and turn it into pleasure
Surely I could turn it around
I could own it and regain control
Shut it out and never let it back in
I could find a way to free myself

Written October 7, 2005

Comatose
I close my eyes
Feel my body relax
No more cracking under the pressure
Encompassed in a superior heat
Chest pain, but I invite it
My body yearns to shut down
While internally I can't stop moving
My eyes fight a wavering battle with drowsiness
suppress my inhibitions
A glazed stare fading to empty eyes
This was a trip - backwards
I recapture my breath
Slow at first, faster yet
Thoughts consume me easily
I haven't the will to fight now
I seek nothing golden
Shaking now, it will peak and I will fall - further still
Despair pours over me
Pick me up before the pieces are too small
I echo in my own head "you promised"
Cut me off, cut me down from this high
Don't let me close my eyes
The end is near but it's not what I seek

Written October 5, 2005

You touch and tease
Trying to coax this need

Take this desire from me
Unleash it

I'm longing to be bare
To be ravished

This dripping heat
This raw ache

I'm starved for touch
Sensitive to it

Warm my skin with yours
Fill me
Release me

Written September 24 and October 3 & 4 of 2005

I am no good for you
No good to you
An emotional wreck
A one-way street
The back of my hand

I am this pain
This hate is me

It's always about the end
The pain
The fresh marks
Tearing away at my soul
While I sit here and wince
Allowing them to cut me deeper
Rip me apart
Make me scream
Make me cry and beg for the end

I crave this
I want this
I need this

Live for it
Die from it

------------------------------

Written September 24 and October 4 of 2005

I torture your soul
All for the bittersweet taste of your tears
This perverse pleasure
Takes a hold of me
You are my victim
I am my target

I attack you all for a scream and
For the return blows
Haunt me, taunt me
Give me what I want

Your pores ooze with fear
I aim for you heart with the nastiest of words
Fight back
Hurt me deeper
It's all I've ever craved
I lust after this destruction

I tear you to pieces
All to destroy myself
When I see my ugliness
Reflected in your eyes, in your tears
I am complete, I am whole

Written October 3, 2005

Why do you just sit back and watch me flail?
Does my pain please you?
I don't do this for you
It does this to me
Leaves me trapped
Your puppet with no strings

You could help me up
But you choose to push me lower
You laugh at the writhing pain worn on my face
This is the stuff of your wildest dreams
And of my nightmares

You watch me sink
Not even a sigh is issued from your smiling lips
Seems if I were to fade
You'd cry at the lack of entertainment
Not at the loss of me

If I were to crack a smile
You'd slander me
Remove the ability from me
Tear me down and sink me deeper

Put a hollow tip to my temple
Blow the thought from my brain
This tangent is for you
Nothing more you fucking prick

---------------------------------------

You're alone
Under that cold slab,
In my head,
Out of reach

What I wouldn't give
But you would never allow it
I know better than that

It's been so long
Am I missed?
You have always been a part of me
I want to make you proud
But I can't do or be what it takes

Nothing I do brings you back
Even after all these years
These tears of mine bring no life

I don't want to wait
Only to discover that was our last hello
And our eternal good-bye

-------------------------------------

I don't want to wake up anymore
You're not there when I do

I don't want to breathe
It feels so wrong without you

My existence is in vain
A life sought but never gained

Lonely feelings
Death of dread
Tired thoughts swim in my head

You did something to me
Made it possible to exist
Without you, I have nothing left

Written October 2, 2005

When I'm around you
I'm on edge
Concentrating so hard
I fumble my words

Do you love me as much?
I'm not the perfect one
But I am the first

You're so harsh
I’m so frail
Here we stand again
A second chance?
Or shall I play the old part,
The foolish child once more?

You reprimand my lack of knowledge
You think me petulant
You're so unfeeling
So unkind

If I were to be like you
As a whole
Would you be satisfied?

I would hate every moment
Despise myself
Hide it all?
There’s no way

You’ve imprisoned me in your memory
Holding me as I was, not as I am
Approve of me
Give me strength to know I am loved

---------------------------------

I'm holding myself
Wanting to rip my hair out
Gouge my hands
Why won't it all flow?
My legs shake beneath me
I want the rain to free me
The more I think
The more the feeling intensifies
My heart pounds beneath this flesh and these bones
I feel as though my soul is trying to escape
It's trapped within me
Like nothing to be described

Won’t you hold my hand and lead me out
Guide me, give me words
Help me fight this demon inside
Free this anger, this self deprecating hate
Tear away my shackles of shame
Let me rage

-----------------------------------------

You were stupid
Stupid to have come here
To feel this way
To love me
I'm much too small for this pedestal
I don't want to be seen
Damn you for this feeling
Damn you for wanting me
I want it to be your fault

But I was the one who took your hand
I was the one who asked you to lead the way
The blame rests on me
This fucking trip
I don't want to feel you there
Don't want your presence to remind me
I was stupid, I was foolish
How could I be the trusted one?
Why confide in me?
I'm a beast
Of my own creation
Of my own self hatred

-------------------------------------------

If I were to kill myself now
You'd have regrets
I'd have freedom
You'd hit the floor in shame
Forgive me
Forget me
A waste of sacred words
Bleed these scars
Tear this heart
Cry not for the loss of me
No more pain in me
But my god, it would pass to you
Is it a risk worthy of the taking?

-----------------------------------------

I need you to be with me
Crave my warmth
Touch me tender
Hold me
Don't let the darkness in
Pull me closer
Don't let go
Help me to feel
Give me sight
Before I melt away

--------------------------------

I see the way you look at me now
As though you don't know me
As though you despise me
I don't like how cold your stare has become

Nothing I do is right
And it certainly isn't good enough
I'm tired of working so hard,
Just to get nowhere in your eyes

Disappointment rings in my head
I am all I have to offer,
This is my regret

This bitterness clouds my heart,
I can't forgive myself
All of the things I could have said and done differently
Haunt me like waking nightmares

Forgive me

August/September poetry (2005)

Finally a little something to wet appetites, or remind a few of you where my talent was at during this time of the year. Still working on the template...sorry bout that.

All For You
Written September 23, 2005 (on the spot)

Imagining you there
Breathing behind me, on me
Warm

Unsure...willing
This ache in me
This need, this desire
All for you

Holding it in, it kills
Strikes me to the core
To the very depth of my desire
Release me

My flesh craves your touch
Your kiss
Your heat

Oh how I burn