Written October 2, 2005

When I'm around you
I'm on edge
Concentrating so hard
I fumble my words

Do you love me as much?
I'm not the perfect one
But I am the first

You're so harsh
I’m so frail
Here we stand again
A second chance?
Or shall I play the old part,
The foolish child once more?

You reprimand my lack of knowledge
You think me petulant
You're so unfeeling
So unkind

If I were to be like you
As a whole
Would you be satisfied?

I would hate every moment
Despise myself
Hide it all?
There’s no way

You’ve imprisoned me in your memory
Holding me as I was, not as I am
Approve of me
Give me strength to know I am loved

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I'm holding myself
Wanting to rip my hair out
Gouge my hands
Why won't it all flow?
My legs shake beneath me
I want the rain to free me
The more I think
The more the feeling intensifies
My heart pounds beneath this flesh and these bones
I feel as though my soul is trying to escape
It's trapped within me
Like nothing to be described

Won’t you hold my hand and lead me out
Guide me, give me words
Help me fight this demon inside
Free this anger, this self deprecating hate
Tear away my shackles of shame
Let me rage

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You were stupid
Stupid to have come here
To feel this way
To love me
I'm much too small for this pedestal
I don't want to be seen
Damn you for this feeling
Damn you for wanting me
I want it to be your fault

But I was the one who took your hand
I was the one who asked you to lead the way
The blame rests on me
This fucking trip
I don't want to feel you there
Don't want your presence to remind me
I was stupid, I was foolish
How could I be the trusted one?
Why confide in me?
I'm a beast
Of my own creation
Of my own self hatred

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If I were to kill myself now
You'd have regrets
I'd have freedom
You'd hit the floor in shame
Forgive me
Forget me
A waste of sacred words
Bleed these scars
Tear this heart
Cry not for the loss of me
No more pain in me
But my god, it would pass to you
Is it a risk worthy of the taking?

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I need you to be with me
Crave my warmth
Touch me tender
Hold me
Don't let the darkness in
Pull me closer
Don't let go
Help me to feel
Give me sight
Before I melt away

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I see the way you look at me now
As though you don't know me
As though you despise me
I don't like how cold your stare has become

Nothing I do is right
And it certainly isn't good enough
I'm tired of working so hard,
Just to get nowhere in your eyes

Disappointment rings in my head
I am all I have to offer,
This is my regret

This bitterness clouds my heart,
I can't forgive myself
All of the things I could have said and done differently
Haunt me like waking nightmares

Forgive me